i never want my children to feel the way i do tonight.
i have been really busting my butt in this microbiology class this summer. one would think a parent might be proud of their child who got a 91 on the first quiz and who is making a lot of effort to prepare for class and be disciplined.
maybe i am a little too fascinated by the subject matter.
maybe i am a little too eager about sharing things i am learning in this class.
maybe i shouldnt be so excited about learning, about feeling smart for one of the first times in my life.
maybe i am wrong to think anyone in my life has any interest in this right now, or ever.
maybe at age 35, i shouldnt need this affirmation from my remaining living parent.
so i am explaining (during commercials) something i learned today, telling my mom my new favourite word, etc. and at the end of the show we were watching, i show my mom a diagram i re-did in my "neat notes" all colourized, and all... and she snaps at me a little too sarcastically, "god, i could take this test and pass it!" and then went on kind of mocking me about all the terminology.
it hurt me so much. and its not the first time things have been said in terms of school stuff.
christ, its no wonder i have this inferiority complex like i am being a bother to some people.
and it got me thinking...about when i am a mom.
and how i want to treat my kids.
and how i want them to feel coming to me telling me things they are excited about.
07/31/2006 ~ 2300
a promise to my future child(ren):
(1) i promise i will always let you know that you are important, that you are smart, that you can do anything and be anything you want to be that makes you happy.
(2) i promise to always be interested in what you are doing, and to listen and to care about anything and everything in your life, the things that make you the amazing human being you are.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Sunday, July 30, 2006
something isnt right
(1) i am FASCINATED by my microbiology class
(2) i adore LEARNING
(3) i LIKE reading labs AHEAD of time
(4) i like KNOWING i am PREPARED for quizzes
(5) i dont mind STUDYING
and truth be told...*gasp*
(6) i LOOK FORWARD to studying
i need to call my doctor this week
i think something is VERY wrong with me
(2) i adore LEARNING
(3) i LIKE reading labs AHEAD of time
(4) i like KNOWING i am PREPARED for quizzes
(5) i dont mind STUDYING
and truth be told...*gasp*
(6) i LOOK FORWARD to studying
i need to call my doctor this week
i think something is VERY wrong with me
for dayz & sniper...
i heard this song on the radio tonight...and thought of your most recent post.
sniper is lucky to have your love and devotion. who am i kidding, you are BOTH very lucky to have one another... when i grow up, i want a love like yours.
Bring It On Home ~ Little Big Town
You've got someone here
Wants to make it all right
Someone to love you more
Than I have right here
You've gotta bring it on and I'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here
I know your heart can get
All tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
When the weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me
You know I know you
Like the back of my hand
You know I'm gonna do
All that I can right here
Gonna lie with you
Till you fall asleep
When the morning comes
I'm still gonna be right here
Yes, I am
(Ooooooooooooo)
So take your worries and
Just drop them at the door
Baby, leave it all behind
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
When the weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me
Baby, let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come
And carry you away
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
When the weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me
You've got someone here want
To make it all right
Someone who loves you more
Than life right here
sniper is lucky to have your love and devotion. who am i kidding, you are BOTH very lucky to have one another... when i grow up, i want a love like yours.
Bring It On Home ~ Little Big Town
You've got someone here
Wants to make it all right
Someone to love you more
Than I have right here
You've gotta bring it on and I'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here
I know your heart can get
All tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
When the weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me
You know I know you
Like the back of my hand
You know I'm gonna do
All that I can right here
Gonna lie with you
Till you fall asleep
When the morning comes
I'm still gonna be right here
Yes, I am
(Ooooooooooooo)
So take your worries and
Just drop them at the door
Baby, leave it all behind
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
When the weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me
Baby, let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come
And carry you away
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
When the weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me
You've got someone here want
To make it all right
Someone who loves you more
Than life right here
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
music
music has always been a h-u-g-e part of my life. and in the last few days i have realized more and more where i get that from.
the day my parents brought their new baby home from the hospital, my dad put me in the bassinette in the living room, and got out his guitar and started playing. he told me growing up, he wanted me to know from the get-go that this house would have music in it, and be used to the sounds of his practicing. at that time, he played in a band and also gave lessons. he was an exceptional musician.
from my father, i learned the power of music. to express happiness, silliness, sadness, loneliness, grief, to make us feel closer to someone we have lost... a myriad of emotions.
when my parents separated when i was 9yrs old, there were many many nights i cried myself to sleep. my dad would come in to tuck me in and would bring his old Gibson B-25 and sing "daddy's little girl" most times...and i recall many times, when he must have been missing his dad, he would tell me this was one of his dad's favourite songs and then play and sing "my buddy" for me. it always made me miss my grandfather as well, even tho i had never met him.
since my dad has been gone, i am realizing more and more what a gift his view of music in our lives is for me. i miss my dad's music so much. i have 5 or so songs of his on my iPod, and in the first month after he died, i would come home every night and lay on the couch with my iPod and have my daddy sing to me... sometimes i would just hug his pillow and smile, and other nights i would simply let the tears flow. it was so good to have his voice with me. it IS good to have his voice with me. he actually recorded over 20 songs and several vocal recordings (stories of his time in the Marines) for me, but i never got all of them off his computer [issues with his wife, she will not let me have them] and there are times like this week when i ache for ALL that music he made for me...knowing he wouldnt be here forever, he wanted a legacy for me and his grandkids. i would be happy to just have his recording of "daddy's little girl" even tho i know it would bring me to my knees hearing him...
i just miss my daddy today.
the day my parents brought their new baby home from the hospital, my dad put me in the bassinette in the living room, and got out his guitar and started playing. he told me growing up, he wanted me to know from the get-go that this house would have music in it, and be used to the sounds of his practicing. at that time, he played in a band and also gave lessons. he was an exceptional musician.
from my father, i learned the power of music. to express happiness, silliness, sadness, loneliness, grief, to make us feel closer to someone we have lost... a myriad of emotions.
when my parents separated when i was 9yrs old, there were many many nights i cried myself to sleep. my dad would come in to tuck me in and would bring his old Gibson B-25 and sing "daddy's little girl" most times...and i recall many times, when he must have been missing his dad, he would tell me this was one of his dad's favourite songs and then play and sing "my buddy" for me. it always made me miss my grandfather as well, even tho i had never met him.
since my dad has been gone, i am realizing more and more what a gift his view of music in our lives is for me. i miss my dad's music so much. i have 5 or so songs of his on my iPod, and in the first month after he died, i would come home every night and lay on the couch with my iPod and have my daddy sing to me... sometimes i would just hug his pillow and smile, and other nights i would simply let the tears flow. it was so good to have his voice with me. it IS good to have his voice with me. he actually recorded over 20 songs and several vocal recordings (stories of his time in the Marines) for me, but i never got all of them off his computer [issues with his wife, she will not let me have them] and there are times like this week when i ache for ALL that music he made for me...knowing he wouldnt be here forever, he wanted a legacy for me and his grandkids. i would be happy to just have his recording of "daddy's little girl" even tho i know it would bring me to my knees hearing him...
i just miss my daddy today.
Monday, July 24, 2006
how you know...
microbiology: one week down, five to go!
my instructor, who remains an absolute dream to learn from, informed us in the very first lab class of something important. if we want to succeed in this class, your life for the next 6 weeks will consist of only microbiology. no social life, no tv, no nothing, unless it is lots and lots of studying.
well then.
since i fully intend on earning an A in this class, to keep my glorious, never-before-had, 4.0 GPA, i have been faithfully reviewing my notes and re-writing them. reveiwing consists of reading them to my mom and friends on the phone, or re-telling anectdotal stories from lecture and lab. god bless those that listen to me. i know it is like listening to greek.
i realized last night, on my way home from work at 11:30pm, that i am doing a FABULOUS job of doing nothing but microbiology.
said to a friend i was chatting on the phone with while looking for a parking spot not a million miles from the front of my apartment: "ooh! there's a space! oh, no...there's a microscope parked there."
umm. i mean motorcycle.
yeah. too much micro on the brain.
but it sounds like an A is in the works for me!
my instructor, who remains an absolute dream to learn from, informed us in the very first lab class of something important. if we want to succeed in this class, your life for the next 6 weeks will consist of only microbiology. no social life, no tv, no nothing, unless it is lots and lots of studying.
well then.
since i fully intend on earning an A in this class, to keep my glorious, never-before-had, 4.0 GPA, i have been faithfully reviewing my notes and re-writing them. reveiwing consists of reading them to my mom and friends on the phone, or re-telling anectdotal stories from lecture and lab. god bless those that listen to me. i know it is like listening to greek.
i realized last night, on my way home from work at 11:30pm, that i am doing a FABULOUS job of doing nothing but microbiology.
said to a friend i was chatting on the phone with while looking for a parking spot not a million miles from the front of my apartment: "ooh! there's a space! oh, no...there's a microscope parked there."
umm. i mean motorcycle.
yeah. too much micro on the brain.
but it sounds like an A is in the works for me!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
reflections on spilled milk
the start of day #2 of 30 in my turbo summer class:
good morning! (not sure if you heard the sarcasm or saw the rolling of my eyes, but assuredly, it was there!) i decided i would forgo the shower, and sleep until 7am, leaving me plenty of time to get dressed and eat breakfast and do a little blogging/blog-surfing before leaving for my whopping 40-minute drive to class. you know, an addict has to get her fix.
first of all, a year of working only 4 miles from home, and no need for highway driving really can spoil a girl. i never thought it would spoil this girl, but i admit it has. i bitched and moaned the whole trip yesterday, and looking back, it actually was a decent trip - minimal backups and no accidents.
so back to this morning...
i decide i am hungry first, and stumble into the kitchen, and start pulling out breakfast from the fridge: cottage cheese and peaches = YUMMM. then i notice my water bottle i take to class needs to be filled, so i sort of scoot the gallon of milk my mom brought home yesterday to the side to reach for the big water bottle in my fridge... (i know you see where this is headed by now) so as i pull a little too enthusiastically for my own good, gallon jug of milk slides forward and bounces off the bottom of the fridge and lands on its side, as milk is glug-glug-glugging out of the top. in slow motion, i get the jug turned right side up, and the whole while my mom is just standing watching me do this. luckily there was a towel in close reach, but what i really wanted to do was let loose a string of bad words, but the momma's presence made that impossible for the judgement that would have followed.
i really need to hang on until nursing school is over...
but its times like this i realize how badly i need my own place.
good morning! (not sure if you heard the sarcasm or saw the rolling of my eyes, but assuredly, it was there!) i decided i would forgo the shower, and sleep until 7am, leaving me plenty of time to get dressed and eat breakfast and do a little blogging/blog-surfing before leaving for my whopping 40-minute drive to class. you know, an addict has to get her fix.
first of all, a year of working only 4 miles from home, and no need for highway driving really can spoil a girl. i never thought it would spoil this girl, but i admit it has. i bitched and moaned the whole trip yesterday, and looking back, it actually was a decent trip - minimal backups and no accidents.
so back to this morning...
i decide i am hungry first, and stumble into the kitchen, and start pulling out breakfast from the fridge: cottage cheese and peaches = YUMMM. then i notice my water bottle i take to class needs to be filled, so i sort of scoot the gallon of milk my mom brought home yesterday to the side to reach for the big water bottle in my fridge... (i know you see where this is headed by now) so as i pull a little too enthusiastically for my own good, gallon jug of milk slides forward and bounces off the bottom of the fridge and lands on its side, as milk is glug-glug-glugging out of the top. in slow motion, i get the jug turned right side up, and the whole while my mom is just standing watching me do this. luckily there was a towel in close reach, but what i really wanted to do was let loose a string of bad words, but the momma's presence made that impossible for the judgement that would have followed.
i really need to hang on until nursing school is over...
but its times like this i realize how badly i need my own place.
Monday, July 17, 2006
microbiology, summer session 2
i am taking my second-to-last prerequisite for the nursing program i am applying for, and i am more than excited to be this close to being able to apply. i will be eligible to apply for the september 15th deadline to get into the Spring 2007 semester. no guarantee that i will get in, but the possibility of being in nursing school in 6 months makes me a little giddy.
i enable this, i have to take Microbiology this summer, and finish Anatomy & Physiology II this fall. for years, the former of these has intimidated me to no end. all i have heard of is the hell and torture that is microbiology, affectionately known as 'micro' from this point forward.
so what do i do? i choose to make it even worse than a normal 15-wk semester and opt for a summer course. a 6-wk summer course. the following is my schedule:
monday thru friday
0900-1030 - Lab
1030-1200 - Lecture
you read that correctly.
3 hours a day
5 days a week
6 weeks
yes, i am insane.
or so i thought...until i got finished with my first lab and lecture today. all i can say, is this is going to be a fascinating course!!! the love the teacher, he is going to be challenging, but i like his (very dry) sense of humour, and his approach to this class. he is an amazing lecturer, and after my last biology experience in A&P I last spring, which came with a professor who was self-admitted ADHD and medicated for it, this guy is a dream. i have nothing against my last teacher, he was wonderful in his own ways... but in a class like micro, there is much to be said for having a professor who is focused and not ADHD.
more on the witty comments of my micro professor... i'm off to review for lab tomorrow!
i enable this, i have to take Microbiology this summer, and finish Anatomy & Physiology II this fall. for years, the former of these has intimidated me to no end. all i have heard of is the hell and torture that is microbiology, affectionately known as 'micro' from this point forward.
so what do i do? i choose to make it even worse than a normal 15-wk semester and opt for a summer course. a 6-wk summer course. the following is my schedule:
monday thru friday
0900-1030 - Lab
1030-1200 - Lecture
you read that correctly.
3 hours a day
5 days a week
6 weeks
yes, i am insane.
or so i thought...until i got finished with my first lab and lecture today. all i can say, is this is going to be a fascinating course!!! the love the teacher, he is going to be challenging, but i like his (very dry) sense of humour, and his approach to this class. he is an amazing lecturer, and after my last biology experience in A&P I last spring, which came with a professor who was self-admitted ADHD and medicated for it, this guy is a dream. i have nothing against my last teacher, he was wonderful in his own ways... but in a class like micro, there is much to be said for having a professor who is focused and not ADHD.
more on the witty comments of my micro professor... i'm off to review for lab tomorrow!
Sunday, July 16, 2006
little by little
so i have mentioned the ex, a/k/a love-of-my-life, in a few recent entries. maybe in time, i will share more here, i havent yet decided.
long story short...we lived together a year, and then i moved home (my depression issues = long story) and while we werent together, we werent not together either. for three years after i moved out, neither of us dated anyone. and we spent so much time together, it was like we were almost still together. girlfriends without benefits.
about a year and a half ago, i realized i was still very much in love with her. it took me a year to find the time and place to talk to her (10 months of that year was when my dad was getting sicker and dying) and so i finally talked to her last november. a day late and a dollar short. of course by this time, there was someone new on her horizons...and another chance wasnt going to be had. it was more than heartbreaking to learn that a year earlier she wanted and would have said yes to me asking for another chance.
its been hard grieving this loss. for so many reasons, on so many levels... but i pray every day that losing the love-of-my-life has taught me at least a few valuable lessons.
but now i am back to the title of this entry...little by little.
my ex, and her gf and gf's daughter just stopped by work to drop off my birthday present, and to get some of my mom's kick-ass birthday cake. while i cant say it is painless seeing them together, i am seeing that each time it does get a little easier to interact. this is nothing short of amazing to me. the first time we were at a family function together, i left and barely got home before the sobs had me on my knees. i am in awe at my own heart's capacity for resillience... and for my heart wanting her to be happy. and for realizing that i am very blessed to still have her in my life as a beloved friend. as family, really. i know she still loves me. i am lucky.
and little by little, i am learning to like her girlfriend, and learning how to be a good actress until i can fully like her because i am sure she is a good person...afterall, my ex has good taste, she loved me, ya know!
hmmm. this entry seems very choppy to me right now...guess thats why they call it rambling.
***birthday pressie was this adorable little insulated lunchbag, with a ladybug on it!***
long story short...we lived together a year, and then i moved home (my depression issues = long story) and while we werent together, we werent not together either. for three years after i moved out, neither of us dated anyone. and we spent so much time together, it was like we were almost still together. girlfriends without benefits.
about a year and a half ago, i realized i was still very much in love with her. it took me a year to find the time and place to talk to her (10 months of that year was when my dad was getting sicker and dying) and so i finally talked to her last november. a day late and a dollar short. of course by this time, there was someone new on her horizons...and another chance wasnt going to be had. it was more than heartbreaking to learn that a year earlier she wanted and would have said yes to me asking for another chance.
its been hard grieving this loss. for so many reasons, on so many levels... but i pray every day that losing the love-of-my-life has taught me at least a few valuable lessons.
but now i am back to the title of this entry...little by little.
my ex, and her gf and gf's daughter just stopped by work to drop off my birthday present, and to get some of my mom's kick-ass birthday cake. while i cant say it is painless seeing them together, i am seeing that each time it does get a little easier to interact. this is nothing short of amazing to me. the first time we were at a family function together, i left and barely got home before the sobs had me on my knees. i am in awe at my own heart's capacity for resillience... and for my heart wanting her to be happy. and for realizing that i am very blessed to still have her in my life as a beloved friend. as family, really. i know she still loves me. i am lucky.
and little by little, i am learning to like her girlfriend, and learning how to be a good actress until i can fully like her because i am sure she is a good person...afterall, my ex has good taste, she loved me, ya know!
hmmm. this entry seems very choppy to me right now...guess thats why they call it rambling.
***birthday pressie was this adorable little insulated lunchbag, with a ladybug on it!***
Saturday, July 15, 2006
35 things about me
today is my 35th birthday, and i thought this would be a fun thing to do.
1. i am an only child. it is lonely.
2. i plan to have two children once i am an RN. if i have a girl and a boy, i want their names to be Claire and Max. i think of them daily, and even 'talk' to them...asking them to be patient with me as i get my life together, so they can come be a part of it.
3. i have a german shepherd stuffed animal, named Max, that i got on my 5th birthday. i still sleep with him at the head of my bed (he is a little too Velveteen Rabbit-like to be cuddled, or i would).
4. i had weight loss surgery nearly 3 years ago - they cut off/stapled about 80% of my stomach, which made my stomach able to hold only 3-4oz of food at one time. i still can only eat about 6oz at a time. i weighed 350# on the day of my surgery. i lost 115#
5. i have a sister. her name is celeste, and we met in the first grade. we are not blood-related, but our hearts have been woven together over the last 29 years of our friendship.
6. i cant watch ANY horror/scary movies. i once left the theatre after paying $8 to see "Lord of the Rings" - the background sounds when the horses and black-caped riders were racing thru the forrest made me so anxious i had to leave.
7. i am a lesbian (with very-recent-in-the-last-year bisexual tendencies). i am out to all of my family and friends, and in my last 3 jobs, have been blessed enough to be out at work. coming out to friends and family is exhausting, but worth it.
8. i have a BS in Mental Health and Human Services, and will have re-paid nearly $40k on my $23k student loans once they are paid off. i have not worked in the field even one minute since i graduated. sometimes this is embarrassing to me.
9. i am a child of divorce. i have not had married parents for 26 years.
10. i do not necessarily see myself spending my life with one person. i am ok with this.
11. i have wanted to be a US Marine since i met the recruiters my junior or senior year in high school. having never persued it is the biggest regret of my life.
12. i like to sing, but i am so insecure about my voice, i have never sung in front of anyone - except one time. (see #19)
13. by the time i graduated from 8th grade, i experienced 5 major deaths in my life: a grandfather - he had dementia, i never really knew him; great-grandfather - i was extremely close to him, and wasnt not allowed to go to the funeral; great-aunt - who i was very close to, who shares my mother's first name; a boy who was in the grade ahead of me - from bone cancer, he had one leg amputated and the cancer still came back; a boy in my own grade who had Cystic Fibrosis, our entire 8th grade class was honour guard at his funeral, and i vividly recall hands-clutched-sobbing with my sister thru the whole of his funeral and graveside service.
14. when i hear the Air Supply song "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All" i believe it is a message from my favourite aunt who died from breast cancer when i was 14. it was her favourite song. i feel like she watches over me, and sends me this song to remind me she is near.
15. this year i do not want anyone to do anything for my birthday.
16. i have always wanted to be a nurse. i never allowed myself this dream when i was morbidly obese, because i knew i could not physically be the kind of nurse i want to be. when i am a nurse, i plan to at least spend part of my career in the following areas: hospice, infusion therapy, ICU, military hospital. i want to still retire when i am 65, and travel to europe once a year for at least a month.
17. seventeen (17) is my favourite number.
18. i like to spell things the european way: colour, honour, favourite, centre, theatre. i have no idea why, i just do.
19. i was with my father when he died. i spent the entire day by his bedside holding his hand, trying so hard to memorize the feeling. i was his medical power of attorney and made the decision to remove the ventilator and meds keeping him alive. i expected him to die within 15 minutes of the removing of those things. he stayed with me for 2 hours. it was two of the hardest 2 hours of my life, but also the best. my mom and love-of-my-life sat at the foot of the bed, so i didnt have to be alone. i got to hold him, and i sang to him. with my hand on his chest, i felt his heart stop beating and i watched him take his last breath. he was 63. i held his hand until i could feel it getting cold. i have a hard time remembering what it felt like to hug him. just writing those words has made me cry.
20. i went to an ultra-orthodox catholic college. i would be scared to attend now, with all their fanaticism. oddly enough, this is where i had my first girlfriend.
21. i was 21 before i ever kissed someone romantically. it was a girl. i have never kissed a man.
22. i know i am the luckiest woman in the universe when i realize how much my nephews love me. i pray every day to always be deserving of that love.
23. my biggest fear in coming out to friends with children is that they will be scared to leave their kids with me.
24. i spent a semester in austria. it was the best experience of my life, and also the most emotionally painful time of my life.
25. i have held jobs as the following since i graduated college: nursing assistant, medication assistant, activity programmer for a mid-stage dementia unit, medical secretary on the same dementia unit, accounts payable/payroll specialist in a hospice, administrative assistant for a contractor, phlebotomist, lab tech.
26. i am petrified of getting breast cancer. have a scary family history - mom and two aunts. if i found out i was a genetic carrier, i would seriously consider having my breasts removed to reduce my risk.
27. when i miss my sister, i drink a glass of her favourite wine, and picture us together up late talking and laughing together. we grew up 2 blocks away from one another and have never lived more than 10-12 miles apart. she moved to portland, oregon a little more than a year ago, to pursue a lifelong dream of hers. while i am proud of her and dont begrudge her this move at all, i miss her and her family more than i can ever express.
28. i still wear the ring the love-of-my-life gave me on our first new years together. sometimes i wonder if i will ever be able to take it off and leave it off; we are no longer together. sometimes i cant imagine not marrying her and not ever having a little wedding band nestled beside it. sometimes i cant imagine not changing my last name to hers, and my children not having her last name. and sometimes, when i see your eyes and your smile, i can.
29. the music of melissa etheridge saved my life. literally. when i go to her concerts, it touches my heart so deeply, to be immersed in the energy that saved me and let me know i wasnt alone. it feels like home.
30. i was the first person to have seen my eldest nephew - via sonogram. i was standing behind the tech when she caught his 'profile' and i was so moved i gasped out loud. a moment later, the tech turned the monitor to show celeste. i went thru my sister's entire first pregnancy with her, and i believe the bond with her eldest son is because he has known my voice since before he was born.
31. i was diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder 4 days after my 31st birthday. everyone thought i would balk at taking meds. i started them immediately. no one realized how much i hated feeling like crap. the meds and therapy helped...but what helped more was getting out of clerical work (which i am awful at) and getting back into the healthcare field where i am happiest.
32. i am an excellent phlebotomist. i got laid off from a job in 2003, and the government paid for me to take phlebotomy and IV therapy classes.
33. i coordinated the numbers of this list to special events in my life.
34. i left a job that i completely loved, because i needed better health benefits (for my reconstructive surgery to remove the excess skin since my weight loss surgery). i will never leave a job like that again.
35. my mother calls me or i call her every year on my birthday at 7:27am - the time i was born.
and there you have it...likely more than you ever wanted to know.
happy birthday to me!
*this idea was borrowed from here.
1. i am an only child. it is lonely.
2. i plan to have two children once i am an RN. if i have a girl and a boy, i want their names to be Claire and Max. i think of them daily, and even 'talk' to them...asking them to be patient with me as i get my life together, so they can come be a part of it.
3. i have a german shepherd stuffed animal, named Max, that i got on my 5th birthday. i still sleep with him at the head of my bed (he is a little too Velveteen Rabbit-like to be cuddled, or i would).
4. i had weight loss surgery nearly 3 years ago - they cut off/stapled about 80% of my stomach, which made my stomach able to hold only 3-4oz of food at one time. i still can only eat about 6oz at a time. i weighed 350# on the day of my surgery. i lost 115#
5. i have a sister. her name is celeste, and we met in the first grade. we are not blood-related, but our hearts have been woven together over the last 29 years of our friendship.
6. i cant watch ANY horror/scary movies. i once left the theatre after paying $8 to see "Lord of the Rings" - the background sounds when the horses and black-caped riders were racing thru the forrest made me so anxious i had to leave.
7. i am a lesbian (with very-recent-in-the-last-year bisexual tendencies). i am out to all of my family and friends, and in my last 3 jobs, have been blessed enough to be out at work. coming out to friends and family is exhausting, but worth it.
8. i have a BS in Mental Health and Human Services, and will have re-paid nearly $40k on my $23k student loans once they are paid off. i have not worked in the field even one minute since i graduated. sometimes this is embarrassing to me.
9. i am a child of divorce. i have not had married parents for 26 years.
10. i do not necessarily see myself spending my life with one person. i am ok with this.
11. i have wanted to be a US Marine since i met the recruiters my junior or senior year in high school. having never persued it is the biggest regret of my life.
12. i like to sing, but i am so insecure about my voice, i have never sung in front of anyone - except one time. (see #19)
13. by the time i graduated from 8th grade, i experienced 5 major deaths in my life: a grandfather - he had dementia, i never really knew him; great-grandfather - i was extremely close to him, and wasnt not allowed to go to the funeral; great-aunt - who i was very close to, who shares my mother's first name; a boy who was in the grade ahead of me - from bone cancer, he had one leg amputated and the cancer still came back; a boy in my own grade who had Cystic Fibrosis, our entire 8th grade class was honour guard at his funeral, and i vividly recall hands-clutched-sobbing with my sister thru the whole of his funeral and graveside service.
14. when i hear the Air Supply song "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All" i believe it is a message from my favourite aunt who died from breast cancer when i was 14. it was her favourite song. i feel like she watches over me, and sends me this song to remind me she is near.
15. this year i do not want anyone to do anything for my birthday.
16. i have always wanted to be a nurse. i never allowed myself this dream when i was morbidly obese, because i knew i could not physically be the kind of nurse i want to be. when i am a nurse, i plan to at least spend part of my career in the following areas: hospice, infusion therapy, ICU, military hospital. i want to still retire when i am 65, and travel to europe once a year for at least a month.
17. seventeen (17) is my favourite number.
18. i like to spell things the european way: colour, honour, favourite, centre, theatre. i have no idea why, i just do.
19. i was with my father when he died. i spent the entire day by his bedside holding his hand, trying so hard to memorize the feeling. i was his medical power of attorney and made the decision to remove the ventilator and meds keeping him alive. i expected him to die within 15 minutes of the removing of those things. he stayed with me for 2 hours. it was two of the hardest 2 hours of my life, but also the best. my mom and love-of-my-life sat at the foot of the bed, so i didnt have to be alone. i got to hold him, and i sang to him. with my hand on his chest, i felt his heart stop beating and i watched him take his last breath. he was 63. i held his hand until i could feel it getting cold. i have a hard time remembering what it felt like to hug him. just writing those words has made me cry.
20. i went to an ultra-orthodox catholic college. i would be scared to attend now, with all their fanaticism. oddly enough, this is where i had my first girlfriend.
21. i was 21 before i ever kissed someone romantically. it was a girl. i have never kissed a man.
22. i know i am the luckiest woman in the universe when i realize how much my nephews love me. i pray every day to always be deserving of that love.
23. my biggest fear in coming out to friends with children is that they will be scared to leave their kids with me.
24. i spent a semester in austria. it was the best experience of my life, and also the most emotionally painful time of my life.
25. i have held jobs as the following since i graduated college: nursing assistant, medication assistant, activity programmer for a mid-stage dementia unit, medical secretary on the same dementia unit, accounts payable/payroll specialist in a hospice, administrative assistant for a contractor, phlebotomist, lab tech.
26. i am petrified of getting breast cancer. have a scary family history - mom and two aunts. if i found out i was a genetic carrier, i would seriously consider having my breasts removed to reduce my risk.
27. when i miss my sister, i drink a glass of her favourite wine, and picture us together up late talking and laughing together. we grew up 2 blocks away from one another and have never lived more than 10-12 miles apart. she moved to portland, oregon a little more than a year ago, to pursue a lifelong dream of hers. while i am proud of her and dont begrudge her this move at all, i miss her and her family more than i can ever express.
28. i still wear the ring the love-of-my-life gave me on our first new years together. sometimes i wonder if i will ever be able to take it off and leave it off; we are no longer together. sometimes i cant imagine not marrying her and not ever having a little wedding band nestled beside it. sometimes i cant imagine not changing my last name to hers, and my children not having her last name. and sometimes, when i see your eyes and your smile, i can.
29. the music of melissa etheridge saved my life. literally. when i go to her concerts, it touches my heart so deeply, to be immersed in the energy that saved me and let me know i wasnt alone. it feels like home.
30. i was the first person to have seen my eldest nephew - via sonogram. i was standing behind the tech when she caught his 'profile' and i was so moved i gasped out loud. a moment later, the tech turned the monitor to show celeste. i went thru my sister's entire first pregnancy with her, and i believe the bond with her eldest son is because he has known my voice since before he was born.
31. i was diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder 4 days after my 31st birthday. everyone thought i would balk at taking meds. i started them immediately. no one realized how much i hated feeling like crap. the meds and therapy helped...but what helped more was getting out of clerical work (which i am awful at) and getting back into the healthcare field where i am happiest.
32. i am an excellent phlebotomist. i got laid off from a job in 2003, and the government paid for me to take phlebotomy and IV therapy classes.
33. i coordinated the numbers of this list to special events in my life.
34. i left a job that i completely loved, because i needed better health benefits (for my reconstructive surgery to remove the excess skin since my weight loss surgery). i will never leave a job like that again.
35. my mother calls me or i call her every year on my birthday at 7:27am - the time i was born.
and there you have it...likely more than you ever wanted to know.
happy birthday to me!
*this idea was borrowed from here.
Friday, July 14, 2006
sometimes i wish...
sometimes i wish my mother would really respect me as an adult, as a person who knows what she needs.
just once, i wish i could ask something* of people, and have them respect the request as that of a intelligent, thoughtful woman who just needs to have some space and has the balls to ask for it.
instead, i get up the courage. i honour my needs in my own life. and i ask. and some people in my life like my mom make the decision that i cant possibly mean what i asked, and go against my wishes and do what they wanted to do in the first place. and then i end up feeling like i have to go thru the motions of people-pleasing anyway, as if i hadnt even asked in the first place. because some people are too selfish to honour my request. tell me that isnt messed up somehow.
*something = the details of which i dont feel like writing out, cuz i fear i will sound like an ingrate if i whinge on and on about this situation. (btw, 'whinge' is akin to 'whining' but is pronounced like 'binge' and entails a bit more crankiness added to the whining)
just once, i wish i could ask something* of people, and have them respect the request as that of a intelligent, thoughtful woman who just needs to have some space and has the balls to ask for it.
instead, i get up the courage. i honour my needs in my own life. and i ask. and some people in my life like my mom make the decision that i cant possibly mean what i asked, and go against my wishes and do what they wanted to do in the first place. and then i end up feeling like i have to go thru the motions of people-pleasing anyway, as if i hadnt even asked in the first place. because some people are too selfish to honour my request. tell me that isnt messed up somehow.
*something = the details of which i dont feel like writing out, cuz i fear i will sound like an ingrate if i whinge on and on about this situation. (btw, 'whinge' is akin to 'whining' but is pronounced like 'binge' and entails a bit more crankiness added to the whining)
a little humility never killed anyone
so i posted about some job hazzards recently.
and yesterday, i had quite a few eggs on my face after relaying my interpretation of the sign on the histology department door which read:
"dave, this specimen or leg is in the walk-in fridge"
i didnt tell the coworker i blogged about it, but when i relayed the message, laughing as i said "specimen OR leg" and my mirth about it... she said:
you mean "specimen Operating Room leg...OR not the word 'or' HAHAHAHA"
(yes, she laughed at me)
***can you see the neon lights surging on inside my mind?***
needless to say, i felt like an idiot and am sure i was blushing a little bit. but it was a good laugh, and in blog-a-holic fashion, i thought it would make a great epilogue post about humilty!
and yesterday, i had quite a few eggs on my face after relaying my interpretation of the sign on the histology department door which read:
"dave, this specimen or leg is in the walk-in fridge"
i didnt tell the coworker i blogged about it, but when i relayed the message, laughing as i said "specimen OR leg" and my mirth about it... she said:
you mean "specimen Operating Room leg...OR not the word 'or' HAHAHAHA"
(yes, she laughed at me)
***can you see the neon lights surging on inside my mind?***
needless to say, i felt like an idiot and am sure i was blushing a little bit. but it was a good laugh, and in blog-a-holic fashion, i thought it would make a great epilogue post about humilty!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
escape
i've been out of commission for the last 4 days... i was able to sneak in a little vacation for some much needed rest, relaxation and recharging of my spirit before my intense schooling schedule begins on the 17th. sometimes this happens alone. sometimes it happens in the arms of someone very wonderful. i am grateful that this time, it was the latter.
more blogging to come, including a very critical public service announcement for anyone traveling anywhere in the continental united states. ever.
more blogging to come, including a very critical public service announcement for anyone traveling anywhere in the continental united states. ever.
Friday, July 07, 2006
when it dont come easy
by patty griffin
red lights are flashing on the highway
i wonder if we're gonna ever get home
i wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight
everywhere the waters getting rough
your best intentions may not be enough
i wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight
but if you break down
i'll drive out and find you
if you forget my love
i'll try to remind you
and stay by you when it dont come easy
i dont know nothing except change will come
year after year what we do is undone
time keeps moving from a crawl to a run
i wonder if we're gonna ever get home
you're out there walking down a highway
and all of the signs got blown away
sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction
but if you break down
i'll drive out and find you
if you forget my love
i'll try to remind you
and stay by you when it dont come easy
so many things that i had before
that dont matter to me now
tonight i cry for the love that i've lost
and the love i've never found
when the last bird falls
and the last sired sounds
someone will say whats been said before
its only love we were looking for
but if you break down
i'll drive out and find you
if you forget my love
i'll try to remind you
and stay by you when it dont come easy
because today your mom died.
because i want to tell you 'iloveyou'
because i want you to know i am here...whatever you need.
in memory ~ Georgia Lynn
red lights are flashing on the highway
i wonder if we're gonna ever get home
i wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight
everywhere the waters getting rough
your best intentions may not be enough
i wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight
but if you break down
i'll drive out and find you
if you forget my love
i'll try to remind you
and stay by you when it dont come easy
i dont know nothing except change will come
year after year what we do is undone
time keeps moving from a crawl to a run
i wonder if we're gonna ever get home
you're out there walking down a highway
and all of the signs got blown away
sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction
but if you break down
i'll drive out and find you
if you forget my love
i'll try to remind you
and stay by you when it dont come easy
so many things that i had before
that dont matter to me now
tonight i cry for the love that i've lost
and the love i've never found
when the last bird falls
and the last sired sounds
someone will say whats been said before
its only love we were looking for
but if you break down
i'll drive out and find you
if you forget my love
i'll try to remind you
and stay by you when it dont come easy
because today your mom died.
because i want to tell you 'iloveyou'
because i want you to know i am here...whatever you need.
in memory ~ Georgia Lynn
job hazzards
until about two months ago, my job at the hospital where i work was in the outpatient phlebotomy lab, which is part of the main clinical lab which does testing for inpatient, outpatient and outreach (read: nursing home) departments. of course that is just for blood and assorted bodily fluids i will pass up mentioning right now... my new job is still under the main lab, although i am based in the ED lab for my entire shift.
included in the "main lab" there is also a microbiology, pathology and histology department (i know i am forgetting someone...ooh yeah!) and blood bank. anywhere i have ever worked, microbiology is always situated in a small cramped room that never seems to have good enough ventilation and smells 'icky' for all the specimens they process. pathology tends to the autopsies, and other things (which i dont know about) and is always off some hallways, and is like an office within an office. blood bank, is just that - they test the type & screens when we have patients needing blood both immediately and for scheduled surgeries. histology is very interesting and deals with tissues, as in biopsies of things removed during surgeries (gall bladder, appendix), joint replacements, etc as well as tissue biopsies suspected of cancer (breast, lung, liver, etc)...they have saws and everything to cut bones, etc! histology always smells of chemicals like photo developer and something that would make one very high. scary.
i know. this is all a pretty big lead-in to the punchline. but i feel bad if there are non-medical people reading who dont automatically understand all the mumbojumbo.
so at the end of my shift...i cart a little bin with the rapid-strep kit and pregnancy tests (because grown adults cant be trusted not to steal them, afterall, if they have been left in the specimen processing lab, it is a given that they are for staff as well...right?). so i walk down this maze of hallways, and i cut thru the hallway that goes between pathology and histology. at 11:30pm, none of these are inhabited. the histology department is not a 24/7 kind of thing, and lots of times, we get all kinds of stuff at the window of the main lab that has to be stored in a small. college-sized fridge until monday. no biggie.
one night recently, i am walking down the hall minding my own business, when i see a blank white sheet tacked to the histology department door. on it is scrawled:
"dave, this specimen or leg is in the walk-in fridge."
huh? this specimen OR leg?
gotta love the english language.
curiousity bit me in the butt, and i ~had~ to flip the page over, confidentiality, be damned!
turns out, it was a below-the-knee amputation. sad.
am i sick for finding the note left for dave funny tho?
included in the "main lab" there is also a microbiology, pathology and histology department (i know i am forgetting someone...ooh yeah!) and blood bank. anywhere i have ever worked, microbiology is always situated in a small cramped room that never seems to have good enough ventilation and smells 'icky' for all the specimens they process. pathology tends to the autopsies, and other things (which i dont know about) and is always off some hallways, and is like an office within an office. blood bank, is just that - they test the type & screens when we have patients needing blood both immediately and for scheduled surgeries. histology is very interesting and deals with tissues, as in biopsies of things removed during surgeries (gall bladder, appendix), joint replacements, etc as well as tissue biopsies suspected of cancer (breast, lung, liver, etc)...they have saws and everything to cut bones, etc! histology always smells of chemicals like photo developer and something that would make one very high. scary.
i know. this is all a pretty big lead-in to the punchline. but i feel bad if there are non-medical people reading who dont automatically understand all the mumbojumbo.
so at the end of my shift...i cart a little bin with the rapid-strep kit and pregnancy tests (because grown adults cant be trusted not to steal them, afterall, if they have been left in the specimen processing lab, it is a given that they are for staff as well...right?). so i walk down this maze of hallways, and i cut thru the hallway that goes between pathology and histology. at 11:30pm, none of these are inhabited. the histology department is not a 24/7 kind of thing, and lots of times, we get all kinds of stuff at the window of the main lab that has to be stored in a small. college-sized fridge until monday. no biggie.
one night recently, i am walking down the hall minding my own business, when i see a blank white sheet tacked to the histology department door. on it is scrawled:
"dave, this specimen or leg is in the walk-in fridge."
huh? this specimen OR leg?
gotta love the english language.
curiousity bit me in the butt, and i ~had~ to flip the page over, confidentiality, be damned!
turns out, it was a below-the-knee amputation. sad.
am i sick for finding the note left for dave funny tho?
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
another first: i got tagged.
four jobs i have had:
cashier at a laudry mat - one summer home from college
nursing assistant/medication aide for 12 cloistered nuns
administrative assistant for a demolition/abatement contractor
phlebotomist (professional vampire)
four movies i would watch over and over:
Grease
Pretty Woman
Philadelphia
Harry Potter (all)
four places i have lived:
baltimore, maryland
steubenville, ohio
gaming, austria (college study abroad program)
the nursing home i worked in (blizzard of 2000 - with the nuns!)
four TV shows i love to watch:
ER
What Not To Wear
Grey's Anatomy
Vegas
four places i have been on vacation:
provincetown, massachussettes (sp?)
portland, oregon
mcveytown, pennsylvania
semester in austria: rome/assissi, italy; dublin/galway, ireland; paris, france; krakow, poland; trnava, slovakia; vienna, austria
four sites i visit daily:
all the blogs i love
melissa etheridge information network
anysoldier.com
aol.com (gotta get my email!)
people i will tag:
lea
days gone by
artemis
flutter
cashier at a laudry mat - one summer home from college
nursing assistant/medication aide for 12 cloistered nuns
administrative assistant for a demolition/abatement contractor
phlebotomist (professional vampire)
four movies i would watch over and over:
Grease
Pretty Woman
Philadelphia
Harry Potter (all)
four places i have lived:
baltimore, maryland
steubenville, ohio
gaming, austria (college study abroad program)
the nursing home i worked in (blizzard of 2000 - with the nuns!)
four TV shows i love to watch:
ER
What Not To Wear
Grey's Anatomy
Vegas
four places i have been on vacation:
provincetown, massachussettes (sp?)
portland, oregon
mcveytown, pennsylvania
semester in austria: rome/assissi, italy; dublin/galway, ireland; paris, france; krakow, poland; trnava, slovakia; vienna, austria
four sites i visit daily:
all the blogs i love
melissa etheridge information network
anysoldier.com
aol.com (gotta get my email!)
people i will tag:
lea
days gone by
artemis
flutter
Sunday, July 02, 2006
the saddest words
"my heart is torn into a thousand pieces"
its amazing to me, how much ache filled my heart when i read these words from you today. i wish i could take your pain from you, and mend that beautiful heart. right now, your pain is so fresh, the wounds are so new...i am helpless to tell you how much you mean to me, how much this heart loves yours.
i'm not even sure that you would even give me a second look. but i wish you could. you might be surprised... you might find someone who you can trust completely... you might find someone who appreciates who you are entirely, your strength, your wisdom and your sweetness... you might find someone who thinks you hung the moon...
you might find someone who would love you forever...
i dont now if i will ever have the courage to ask you to take a look.
but i know i dont want anyone making your heart hurt like this again. you deserve so much more.
you know, i told you once... but i dont think you knew the words were written for you. or maybe you did know. maybe i just need to be patient and be here while your heart heals... loving you quietly and being a safe place for you... until your heart is ready.
its amazing to me, how much ache filled my heart when i read these words from you today. i wish i could take your pain from you, and mend that beautiful heart. right now, your pain is so fresh, the wounds are so new...i am helpless to tell you how much you mean to me, how much this heart loves yours.
i'm not even sure that you would even give me a second look. but i wish you could. you might be surprised... you might find someone who you can trust completely... you might find someone who appreciates who you are entirely, your strength, your wisdom and your sweetness... you might find someone who thinks you hung the moon...
you might find someone who would love you forever...
i dont now if i will ever have the courage to ask you to take a look.
but i know i dont want anyone making your heart hurt like this again. you deserve so much more.
you know, i told you once... but i dont think you knew the words were written for you. or maybe you did know. maybe i just need to be patient and be here while your heart heals... loving you quietly and being a safe place for you... until your heart is ready.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
happy birthday, little man
i called my sister tonight.
i am in maryland, they are in oregon.
i miss them more than life itself, especially today.
its my youngest nephew's 3rd birthday, and i wanted to sing to him ~ a tradition my sister and i continue to this day, on each other's birthday...there is always a message with the complete 'happy birthday' song on left on our cell!
she hands the phone to him, and before i am able to start singing to him, this is what i am greeted with:
happy birthday!!!...*kissing noise*
my heart melted right into a puddle, and the moment was gone and he had run off, handing the phone to his nanny.
god i love those boys. and miss them so much.
happy 3rd birthday, from your ladybug who loves you so.
i am in maryland, they are in oregon.
i miss them more than life itself, especially today.
its my youngest nephew's 3rd birthday, and i wanted to sing to him ~ a tradition my sister and i continue to this day, on each other's birthday...there is always a message with the complete 'happy birthday' song on left on our cell!
she hands the phone to him, and before i am able to start singing to him, this is what i am greeted with:
happy birthday!!!...*kissing noise*
my heart melted right into a puddle, and the moment was gone and he had run off, handing the phone to his nanny.
god i love those boys. and miss them so much.
happy 3rd birthday, from your ladybug who loves you so.
i saw my son.
dear max,
i know my dreams were crazy last night... i had been composing a post for this blog in honour of my birthday in two weeks... and you and your sister were extra close into my conscious thoughts before i slept last night, as you are often - altho you never have come to me in a dream. until now.
i was sitting cross-legged on the floor, there were lots of loved ones and family around. i am not sure exactly where we were.
it took me a minute to realize it was you...yet at the same time, when you stood in front of me and i saw those beautiful green eyes of yours, that are like mine, i knew. and when you rushed forward into my lap and wrapped your arms around my neck and hugged me so tightly, i knew. when i wrapped my arms around you and hugged you so close to me, i knew. watching you run away didnt make me sad, i know you are just up there in heaven with poppy waiting until your mommy is a nurse. thank you for being so patient with me, and for loving me already. i felt it to my bones in the dream last night.
thank you for visiting me in my dream last night. it is the best birthday present a mommy could ever get. i still feel those arms around my neck hugging me today.
you make my heart so happy.
i love you so much already,
your momma
i know my dreams were crazy last night... i had been composing a post for this blog in honour of my birthday in two weeks... and you and your sister were extra close into my conscious thoughts before i slept last night, as you are often - altho you never have come to me in a dream. until now.
i was sitting cross-legged on the floor, there were lots of loved ones and family around. i am not sure exactly where we were.
it took me a minute to realize it was you...yet at the same time, when you stood in front of me and i saw those beautiful green eyes of yours, that are like mine, i knew. and when you rushed forward into my lap and wrapped your arms around my neck and hugged me so tightly, i knew. when i wrapped my arms around you and hugged you so close to me, i knew. watching you run away didnt make me sad, i know you are just up there in heaven with poppy waiting until your mommy is a nurse. thank you for being so patient with me, and for loving me already. i felt it to my bones in the dream last night.
thank you for visiting me in my dream last night. it is the best birthday present a mommy could ever get. i still feel those arms around my neck hugging me today.
you make my heart so happy.
i love you so much already,
your momma
no more wine for me
i thought it would relax me and i would sleep well. it did relax me, but i spent almost the whole balance of the night dreaming these wild, out-of-left-field, visual dreams. a dream about my father rattled me so, i was awake for an hour before i felt ok to settle back into bed and sleep. there were more dreams, equally as vivid, there was sound and all... none of which i feel like writing about right now.
no more wine for me late at night.
no more wine for me late at night.
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